i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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