You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
