The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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