did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
