I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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