The best revenge is premature balding
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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