The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
