I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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