I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
