Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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