Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
