note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
