She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
