I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
