how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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