Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
