At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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