Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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