even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
