Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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