My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
