just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
