life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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