They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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