i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
