it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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