my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
