So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
