i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
