I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
farters have to be the big spoon...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just pee around me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
