Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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