the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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