I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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