I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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