I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you never un-have a 4some
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
