It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize