Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just found puke in my bra..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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