Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
