Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
