Where is the hickey?
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
