I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
