my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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