she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
