I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
