I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
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