Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
