when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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