I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize