you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
