How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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