my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
