Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
