we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
