My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
