u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
