3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
you never un-have a 4some
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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