Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
