You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
