i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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