Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i think my tv is drunk
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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