Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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