Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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