Where did you get a picture of my penis
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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