I wish my penis had an off switch
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He better not be in your backpack
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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