He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
