I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
