I showed him my bush... on skype.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
