i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize