at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
