She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
